Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

August 17, 2012 By mario piperni

The best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.

Happy Friday.

“Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he’s a fiscal conservative, and that’s a perfect balance for Romney who’s a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality.” –Jay Leno

“Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he’s the smartest guy in the party and she’s the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That’s right, unlimited bread sticks.” –David Letterman

“Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney’s running mate, which isn’t too bad considering most Americans don’t approve of Paul Ryan’s running mate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was a great Olympics – Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow – especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” T-shirts.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof.”  –David Letterman

“His eyes are just so blue. It’s like looking into a Smurf’s anus.” –Jon Stewart on Paul Ryan

David Letterman’s Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Paul Ryan
10. He’s only the 32nd white guy to become Republican vice presidential nominee.
9. Was runner-up on Season 3 of “The Bachelorette.”
8. Always shampoos once, conditions twice.
7. Got his start in Congress as John Boehner’s tanning boy.
6. Claims to be “a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.”
5. Like the rest of America, wonders what Romney is hiding in his tax returns.
4. Has a good feeling about this Jennifer Aniston marriage working out.
3. Eats nothing but plants, berries and small turtles.
2. Even before working at Oscar Meyer, had reputation for “driving the wienermobile.”
1. Born in Kenya.

And the winner is…

“Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists.” –David Letterman

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LUV News on Julian Assange

Asad Hashim goes over Julian Assange’s options this morning. Listening to the babbling “journalists” of the mass media, you would think Assange is a dangerous criminal, as the big paycheck “reporters” kneel and kiss butt. —Jack Balkwill

What the New York Times Won’t Tell You About Julian Assange

by Phoenix Woman

As you likely already know, Ecuador — after a night in which British authorities threatened to storm the Ecuadorean Embassy in order to kidnap Julian Assange, who has sought sanctuary there for two months — has granted the asylum petition of the WikiLeaks founder, much to the consternation of US officialdom and its mouthpieces.

Here’s the New York Times’ hit piece on the decision. I challenge you, dear reader, to go over this piece and see if any mention is made of the following key and pertinent facts:

• Ecuador invited Sweden to come to the Embassy and interview Assange, or to talk with him via teleconferencing, which is something the Swedish justice system is set up to do routinely. The Swedes refused.

• Ecuador tried to get Sweden to guarantee they would not extradite Assange to the US to face espionage charges. The Swedes refused.

• Assange himself has offered to go to Sweden immediately if they would guarantee that he would not be extradited to the US on espionage charges. The Swedes refused.

Interestingly (hat tip to Teddy Partridge), even as the NYT ignores these key facts, and even as the Associated Press claims without evidence that Americans are “outraged” by Ecuador’s granting Assange asylum, a poll conducted by the Washington Post shows so far a three-to-one approval for Ecuador’s decision. Looks like a lot of folks have found a way (perhaps this way?) to get the news the NYT and WaPo won’t tell them.