Humor: The Borowitz Report

Borowitz Report

D.N.C. Headquarters Mobbed by Republican Refugees Seeking Asylum

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Photograph by B Christopher / Alamy

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—A humanitarian crisis has been unfolding over the past week as Republican refugees seeking asylum have overrun the Democratic National Committee headquarters, in Washington, D.C.

D.N.C. staffers have confirmed that they were woefully unprepared for the masses of desperate Republicans who have shown up at the D.N.C.’s door, looking for safe harbor.

“These people have been brutalized for months and have decided to risk everything to save themselves and their families,” D.N.C. staffer Tracy Klugian said. “When they tell you their stories, they are absolutely heartbreaking.”

Meg Whitman, who is sixty, said she left her entire life as a Republican behind after witnessing unspeakable horrors under the new G.O.P. regime.

Taking comfort from a blanket and a cup of coffee provided by D.N.C. staffers, Whitman appeared to be in a state of shock about where life under a failed state had brought her.

“I never thought I’d find myself in a place like this,” she said as she took in the unfamiliar surroundings of the D.N.C. headquarters. “Still, anything has to be better than where I came from.”

When asked if she had any regrets about her decision to flee, Whitman choked back tears before responding. “I had no choice,” she said. “There is no respect for human life there.”


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