Humor: The Borowitz Report

PHOTOGRAPH BY ANDREW HARRER / BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY IMAGES

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Americans who are opposed to being shot, a constituency that has historically failed to find representation in Washington, are making a new effort to make its controversial ideas heard in the nation’s capital.

“When you bring up the idea of not wanting to be shot with members of Congress, there’s always been pushback,” Carol Foyler, founder of the lobbying group Americans Opposed to Being Shot, said. “Their reaction has been, basically, ‘Not being shot: who’s going to support something like that?’”

Foyler, however, believes that the right to not be shot, much like women’s right to vote, the right to same-sex marriage, and other rights that were deemed controversial in their day, may be an idea whose time has finally come.

“For years, we’ve been talking about the right to not be shot and people have been looking at us like we’re out of our minds,” she said. “But recent polls show that a vast majority of Americans, in fact, do not want to be shot.”

While Foyler and other anti-being-shot activists believe that Washington may finally be receptive to their radical ideas, Wayne LaPierre, the executive vice-president of the National Rifle Association, is doubtful. “People who don’t want to be shot are a very narrow interest group,” he said.

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One response to “Humor: The Borowitz Report

  1. There is money to be made when mass murders occur – gun sales go up! There are elections to be won in Congress when the problem is ignored – a proven winning formula for success. While one side may lament this process as being tragic and morally wrong, the other side sees it as good business and something to be expanded and protected. So far the “gun-lobby” has positioned themselves on the right side of history because they are pro-active and vigorous in their support, while those opposed spend their time hand-wringing and praying that someone else does something.

    America always gets the government she deserves, that is how Democracies work.

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