Rick Perry Lures Washington State Residents to Texas with Thriving Death Penalty
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to the news that Washington Governor Jay Inslee had suspended the death penalty in his state, Texas Governor Rick Perry seized on the opportunity to urge Washington residents to “vote with your feet and move to Texas, where the death penalty is thriving.”
At a hastily called press conference this afternoon, the Texas Governor made an emotional appeal to Washingtonians who might be disappointed by the sudden suspension of executions in their state: “Come to Texas. The death penalty is alive and well here.”
Blasting Governor Inslee, he reassured Washington residents that if they move to Texas, “as God is my witness, no one will ever take your death penalty away from you.”
“That’s just not what we’re made of in Texas,” he said. “We believe in the sanctity of death.”
Photograph of Rick Perry by Spartanburg Herald Journal/Michael Justus/AP.