Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

MAY 10, 2013 BY  Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

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“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.’” –Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.” –Conan O’Brien

“Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart.” –David Letterman

“Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him ‘practice.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“George W. Bush’s nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for ‘Pretend you’ve never heard the name Gorge W. Bush.” –Conan O’Brien

“If Obama can’t take our guns, he’ll make sure you can’t put anything in them. After that, he’s going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting.” –Stephen Colbert, mocking the conspiracy theory that the government is buying bullets

Rush Limbaugh - Pigboy (2)   :   http://mariopiperni.com/

“Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it ‘F**king Obama.’ Always undoing George Bush’s greatest accomplishments.” –Bill Maher

“A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone.”–Bill Maher

“70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city’s hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises.” –Bill Maher

“The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as ‘rabidly un-American’ and still calls the Civil War the ‘War of Northern Aggression.’ He’s known around the NRA as ‘Reasonable Jim.’” –Seth Meyers

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.” –Conan O’Brien

“That’s right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.” –Conan O’Brien

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