Sanford’s Comeback Gives Hope to Liars
CHARLESTON, S.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s stunning upset in a special congressional election on Tuesday served as an inspiration to liars across the state and beyond, prominent members of the lying community said tonight.
“In America, liars are always made to feel bad about ourselves, as if what we’re doing is wrong,” said Harland Dorrinson, fifty-seven, a liar from suburban Charleston. “Mark Sanford’s victory tonight is a victory for the lying lifestyle.”
Carol Foyler, thirty-six, a liar from Myrtle Beach, echoed those sentiments: “For the millions of dishonest children across America, tonight Mark Sanford has given them hope that someday, they can be somebody.”
At his victory rally in Charleston, the former governor acknowledged the liars in the audience and said that his victory sent an important message: “Every lie, no matter how big or small, has value.”
“As your Governor, I abused your trust. And as God is my witness, as your congressman, I will abuse it again,” he said, to thunderous applause.
Mr. Sanford, who had been behind in the polls in the waning weeks of the race, owed much of his last-minute surge to the support of the lying community, exit polls showed.
According to those exit polls, Mr. Sanford held a three-to-one lead among voters who described themselves as liars, cheaters, or sleazebags.
Furthermore, the polls showed, those same voters felt that Mr. Sanford’s opponent, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, did not have the lying experience necessary to serve in Congress.
Photograph by Rainier Ehrhardt/AP.