Citing Exhaustion, Kim Jong-un to Stop Threatening World on Weekends
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he could “no longer keep up the punishing pace of sabre rattling seven days a week,” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said today that beginning this month he will take weekends off from vowing to incinerate the world.
After the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) released a revised April Threat Schedule showing that Kim’s declarations of war and doomsday ultimatums would be limited to Monday through Friday, North Korea’s Supreme Leader explained his decision to make his weekends threat-free: “Dad always told me that you have to pace yourself in this job. The biggest danger isn’t the United States—it’s burnout.”
Kim said that he made his decision over the past weekend, after he issued his forty-ninth official statement threatening to engulf the mainland U.S. in a nuclear Armageddon: “I was in the middle of saying ‘infernal sea of fire,’ and I kind of realized, hey, I’m just phoning it in. And I never want to be that guy.”
By resting his violent rhetoric on weekends, Kim said, “On Monday through Friday I’ll have the insanity and unmitigated rage necessary to do this job right.”
Referring to his streak of three hundred and fifty-two consecutive days in which he threatened to destroy the world, Kim said, “I’m proud of it, sure. But nothing lasts forever.”
Kim began the month of April with a fresh round of threats, announcing today that North Korea had blocked South Korea on Pinterest.
Photograph: North Korean TV/AFP/Getty.