Humor: The Borowitz Report

Ryan Budget Plan Gets Endorsement from Ayn Rand

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) was jubilant today after his newly unveiled budget plan picked up a key endorsement from the novelist Ayn Rand.

It was a rare public utterance for the late Ms. Rand, who has been damned to eternal torment in Satan’s lake of fire since 1982.

“This is a budget I wish I had written,” said Ms. Rand, pausing to scream as white-hot flames licked her face. “Paul Ryan is a great man and I look forward to meeting him someday.”

Rep. Ryan acknowledged Ms. Rand’s praise with humility, telling reporters, “There’s no trick to cutting $4.6 trillion once you take a hard look at failed ideas of the past, such as the social contract.”

Mr. Ryan added, “Unlike the Democrats’ plan, my budget has new ideas, like cutting two of the four food groups and classifying large sodas as medicine.”

Ms. Rand’s thumbs-up capped a victory lap of sorts for Mr. Ryan, who earlier in the day garnered an endorsement from Marie Antoinette.

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Photograph by Leonard McCombe/Time Life Pictures/Getty.


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