Humor: The Borowitz Report

Pope Candidate Axed Over Trashy Facebook Photos

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VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The brave new world of social media torpedoed the chances of a leading papal candidate today, as a Dutch cardinal struggled to explain newly surfaced Facebook photos showing him on a 2007 spring-break romp in Tampa.

Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer had been on the shortlist to replace Benedict XVI as Pope, but his fellow cardinals abandoned him after the startling emergence of the photos, which chronicle Steuer on a seventy-two-hour nonstop-party rampage in Florida.

In the Facebook photo album, which Cardinal Steuer labeled “Tampa Phun,” the Dutchman appears at a dizzying array of frat parties and strip clubs, throwing gang signs at the camera and steadily drinking from two Old Milwaukees mounted on a beer hat.

Tracy Klugian, a job-placement specialist who helps papal candidates navigate the labyrinthine Pope-selection process, says that Cardinal Steuer’s downfall should serve as a cautionary tale to all Pope candidates who are active on social media.

“If you’re serious about becoming Pope, look at every single photo you’ve posted on Facebook and Instagram,” Mr. Klugian says. “If there’s someone on your arm who makes you look fallible, crop them out.”

While Mr. Klugian believes that the cardinals’ decision to blackball Steuer was a little harsh, he says that “at the end of the day, they couldn’t live with pictures out there of a Pope in a funny hat.”

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Photograph by Don Juan Moore/WireImage via Getty.

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