Humor: The Borowitz Report

Insensitive Remarks Led to Young Scalia’s Firing by Kinko’s

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — At the Supreme Court today, Justice Antonin Scalia told his fellow Justices how privileged he felt to serve on the highest court in the land, adding, “I can say stuff here that got me fired at Kinko’s.”

Responding to quizzical looks from his fellow Justices, Scalia related a little-known chapter from his career, when he briefly worked for the copying establishment in the mid-nineteen-seventies.

“They were pretty uptight,” he reminisced. “It seemed like every time I opened my mouth I got hauled into H.R.”

According to Justice Scalia, “The gal in Human Resources told me, ‘Nino, you can’t just go around insulting blacks and women and whatnot. There’s not a workplace in the country that will tolerate that.’ ”

“Well, guess what? She was right—until I got this job,” he chuckled.

But even as he expressed gratitude for the freedom to offend gays, minorities, and women in his current position, Mr. Scalia admitted, “It has basically spoiled me for life in the real world.”

“I’ll be at some ballgame shooting my mouth off, and suddenly I’m face down in the ground with someone’s foot up my ass,” he said. “And then I’ll have to remind myself, ‘Nino, if you’ve got something to say, save it for the Supreme Court.’ ”

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