In New Campaign Strategy, Romney to Have Mouth Wired Shut Until November
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what his campaign described today as a bold strategy to insure victory in the Presidential contest, Republican nominee Mitt Romney will undergo a procedure to have his mouth wired shut until Tuesday, November 6th.
The decision reportedly was made in response to the release earlier in the day of rare video footage showing Mr. Romney saying what he really thinks.
In the video, Mr. Romney blasts the American people for being “insanely obsessed with food, clothing, and shelter,” and asserts that many of them are “too lazy to hide their money overseas.”
At another point in the video, Mr. Romney refers to his own hardscrabble childhood: “I was never handed anything in life. If I wanted to cut a gay kid’s hair off, I had to pin him to the ground myself.”
Romney campaign aides were upbeat about the mouth-wiring procedure today, with some saying they wished they had thought of it months ago.
When asked about the procedure at a campaign stop in Ohio, Mr. Romney said, “Mmmnff ffnn mmfff nnnnnff.”
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Photograph by Lauren Lancaster.