The Borowitz Report

North Carolina Weighs Ban on Electricity, Soap

Amendment One Supporters Push New Law

NORTH CAROLINA (The Borowitz Report) – Flush with victory from yesterday’s statewide vote, supporters of North Carolina’s Amendment One today moved forward with a bold proposal to ban electricity and soap.

Cal Pinckton, a leading proponent of Amendment One who has helped craft the new law, says the principles behind it are simple: “If the Bible doesn’t mention something, it’s against the law, and the Bible makes no mention of either soap or electricity.”

He adds that North Carolina will “still have plenty of stuff that the Bible does mention, like boils and locusts.”

While some critics of the proposed law said that it could be damaging to North Carolina’s economy since it would drive away fanciers of soap and electricity, Mr. Pinckton sees it differently.

“I think we’ll see a huge boom in tourism,” he says.  “North Carolina is on its way to becoming one great big old timey theme park, like Colonial Williamsburg.”

But Mr. Pinckton is careful to emphasize that under the proposed law, there would be certain situations in which the use of electricity would be permitted: “You could still use electricity for things that are explicitly mandated by the Bible, like transvaginal ultrasounds.”

2 responses to “The Borowitz Report

  1. Excellent! Loved it and shared it. Thinking of sending it to an older friend who lives in NC!

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