Daily Archives: April 6, 2012

Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

April 6, 2012 By

Happy Friday. The best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.

“Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, ‘What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?’” –David Letterman

“The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who’s arrested — even accidentally — can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court’s five conservatives. You know — the ‘defending personal liberty’ guys. Which is weird because I’m not a constitutional scholar, but I’m willing to bet Big Government feels it’s biggest when it’s inside your anus.” –Jon Stewart

“You’re pretending this whole appearance is some uncommonly ballsy way of sticking it to the ‘lamestream’ media, but it’s just another way for you to tout your brand of homespun nonsense unchallenged.” –Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin’s “Today Show” appearance

“I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played an April Fools’ joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno

“Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court.” –Bill Maher

“They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It’s like an election in Florida. Apparently they have made the call and I don’t want to bum you out but if you get cancer, put ice on it. And unfortunately, because of global warming, we’re out of it.” –Bill Maher

“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn’t want to return to his old life of panning for gold.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler’s List.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, ‘Jelly Belly Factory’ was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.” –David Letterman

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he’s charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.” –Jimmy Fallon


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