Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor – Best of 2011

December 30, 2011 By

My picks of some of the year’s best from Political Humor‘s compiled list…

”Osama Bin Laden’s supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?” —Jay Leno

”The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.” —David Letterman

”I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?”’ —Craig Ferguson

”President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He’s gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. ‘Mitt Romney: for when the moment’s right.”’ —Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

”As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.”’ —Jon Stewart

”Several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U.S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, ‘You can get sued for that?”’ —Jay Leno

”Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.” —Conan O’Brien

”You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter.” —Bill Maher

”Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, ‘Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squirmish, what is it?’ Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It’s being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin.” —Conan O’Brien

‘We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.” —Bill Maher, on the Arizona shooting massacre

”New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it’s not stupid anymore. We just found out that the ‘Sarah Palin’ who writes Sarah Palin’s Facebook page is a fake. But the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name, and sometimes the ‘real fake’ Sarah Palin praises the work of the ‘fake real’ Sarah Palin. It’s like Inception for hillbillies. There’s also a rumor that she doesn’t really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn’t know she’s Superman.” —Bill Maher

”Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, ‘So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?”’ —Conan O’Brien

”Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma — or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they’re both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them.” —Bill Maher

”I’m not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird’s-eye view.” —Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner saying he ”can’t say with certitude” whether a lewd picture posted on Twitter wasn’t his wiener

”Herman Cain said he’d only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she’s always behind him, because there’s never any room under him.” —Conan O’Brien

”Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.” —Conan O’Brien

”Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won ‘Apprentice.’ Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.” —Conan O’Brien

”Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell ‘potato.”’ —David Letterman

”This morning on the ‘Today’ show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him ‘dad.”’ —Conan O’Brien

”These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem and they’d still think Obama was a Kenyan Muslim.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta.” —Jay Leno

”A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he’s seeing on the side.” —Jay Leno

”Newt Gingrich said he’s afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we’re screwed.” —Jay Leno

”Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.” —David Letterman

”House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it’s only Iraq where you don’t have to do that.” —Jay Leno

”This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor. … Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won’t even remember them.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads.” —Jimmy Fallon

”If you’re keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.” —Bill Maher

”You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He’s in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donal Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He’s been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That’s gotta hurt a little.” —Bill Maher

”You want to add another candidate? It’s like the Republican primary is a season of ‘American Idol’ in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it’s you?” —Jon Stewart to the GOP base

”Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores.” —Stephen Colbert

”Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, ‘The Glenn Beck Show.’ … If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?” —Bill Maher

”Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let’s make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they’re upfront about screwing you.” —Jay Leno

”I’m upset that Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I’m no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we’re talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker.” —Stephen Colbert

”The President of China is in Washington. It’s a bit like when you’re into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants.” —Stephen Colbert

You’ll find a lot more of the year’s best late night humor at Political Humor.

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