December 05, 2011
Some of you know that I write for real magazines and newspapers. I mean, it ain’t like I’m getting rich off this non-blog gig. Hell, I don’t even make flip-flop money here.
I have an agreement with the people I write for that I won’t re-post anything I write for them until it’s been in print a couple of weeks. So, this piece is a little dated, but you still might enjoy it. I wrote it for OutSmart Magazine – one of the funnest places to work anywhere anyhow.
Santa Says, “Ho, Ho, …. Uh, Oops.”
You know that dream where you are in school wearing only a coon skin hat and bowling shoes but then you realize it’s okay because at least you’re not Rick Perry…
The debates have not gone well for the Texas Governor. Well is a relative term. In truth, he got beat so badly that he has to unzip his pants to see out.
I want you to imagine for a minute how hard it is to stand out as dumb among the Republican presidential candidates. That alone is an amazing feat! It can be proven scientifically that you can’t do that by accident. You have to work at accomplishing that level of dumb.
Although “Perry in 2012” is clearly identified on the Mayan Apocalypse calendar, the boy ain’t giving up. He’s ready, set …. and uh I forget what the last thing is. Oops.
Bless his heart, Governor Perry was going to adopt Herman Cain’s economic plan but he couldn’t remember what came after 9 – 9 –
So, in honor of our Governor, the Texas Legislature will consider the following legislation in their next session, because, especially in this time of austerity, three is just too darn many —
New Legislation in Honor of Making Things Easier for Rick Perry
Two Hos! for Santa is plenty. Look at the man! Does he look like he really needs three?
Peter, Paul, and … you know, the girl.
Good education news: on Columbus Day, students in elementary school no longer have to learn to spell Santa Maria.
Rock, paper and scissors now simply rock and another rock.
From now on in church it’s, “Father, Son, and that freaky dude.”
Two strikes and you’re out. Three balls and …. Come on, now, nobody needs three balls. Not even you.
Three wise men? Oh sure, like you could find even two wise men in Texas. And they certainly couldn’t have come from the east. There’s Nacogdoches in the east.
Snap, Crackle, and Eat Your Damn Cereal.
Sorry, but the Alamo has to go. From now on it’s, “Remember the!”
Goldilocks meets Momma Bear, Papa Bear, and effective birth control.
Larry and Curly have to send Moe off to join a motorcycle gang.
Two’s company and three’s just damn perverted.
Two blind mice and one who just needs glasses.
The Two Amigos: Cheaper production costs.
Crosby, Still, Nash, and oh heck just forget it I never liked their music anyway.
The Three Musketeers will now be known as Bubba and Dewayne.
The Three Little Pigs will now be one pig and one vicious coyote just asking to be shot.
We can all forget Godfather III, and be better people for it I might add.
Have you ever noticed how famous murderers have three names — Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Boothe, Mark David Chapman? Well, thanks to Rick Perry all that murdering foolishness will stop.
Remember Three Dog Night? Well, nobody else does either.
For all the nerds out there, atoms will now consist of protons, neutrons, and Ron.
Triathlons just got a lot shorter.
The Good, the Bad, and The Oops.
The three R’s are now reading, writing, and recess. Nobody forgets recess.
Lights! Camera! Something!
Yabba, Dabba, Yahtzee!
Sex, Lies, and more Sex.
Three new branches of government: Executive, Legislative and Bob.