Daily Archives: December 3, 2011

The Borowitz Report

Farewell from Herman Cain

My Final Thoughts

Dear Friend,

And when I say “friend,” I mean it in the normal way, not “someone I’ve been sleeping with for 13 years.”  Unless, of course, I have been sleeping with you for 13 years.  In that case, I do mean it that way.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my inspirational quest for the White House.  After much reassessing and reconsidering, I have decided to spend more time being screamed at by my wife.  And by “more time,” I mean 24 hours a day, stopping only for bathroom breaks.

But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign.  After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair.  And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, let’s get real.  I never heard of Libya.  I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz.  And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain.  Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me.  In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants.  (I have no idea what I meant by that — I just like saying 9-9-9.)

But here’s the part that really kills me.  You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich?  I repeat: are you fucking kidding me?  Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.”  Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.

And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America.  Right now if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country.  I really, truly would.  Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let me leave the house.

Goodbye forever,

Herman

LUV Newsletter on Occupy Infiltration

L.A. POLICE INFILTRATED OCCUPY LA BEFORE THE NIGHT RAID ON THEM

“Los Angeles police used nearly a dozen undercover detectives to infiltrate the Occupy LA encampment before this week’s raid to gather information on the anti-Wall Street protesters’ intentions,” begins a report in British news this morning.

Occupy groups should be warned that this practice is apparently taking place across the nation, as though the American people are the enemy for opposing corporate greed at any cost to the public interest.

Anyone familiar with the protests knows that the General Assemblies are public, and anybody who wants to know what the groups are planning need only attend to find out what is taking place — it is not like the government, which does most of its work in secret.

LUV News is warning Occupy groups to be on the lookout for government officials trying to coax people into using bombs, as they have done repeatedly in the Muslim community. Our government has shown it will stoop to anything to get its agenda. Beware of anyone pushing violence.

Millions of dollars are being spent by cities to spy on Occupy groups and attack them with brutal force, now commonly in the middle of the night to avoid being filmed or photographed, as cities ignore the millions of homeless and hungry, who are often being cared for by the Occupy groups.

It should be obvious that the establishment is getting desperate as facts get out to the public around corporate media.