Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

September 7, 2012 By mario piperni

The dueling conventions are over and there’s no doubt that Dems won the contest hands down. It’s now crunch time where big money and desperation take over. With two months to go and Republicans trailing Dems in most swing states, it’s about to go up a notch or two on the ugly scale.

Perfect time to take a breather and check out what the late night guys are saying with the best from Political Humor‘s compilation of the week’s political humor.

Happy Friday.

“In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he’s had it. I don’t think that’s true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he’s had it. He just doesn’t want us to know how good he’s had it.” –Jay Leno

“Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn’t for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt.” –David Letterman

“Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt’s first helicopter.” –Conan O’Brien

“First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it ‘not the worst.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it’s Mitt Romney’s dog.” –Jay Leno

“Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead ‘to a thousand years of darkness.’ Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness.” –Conan O’Brien

“First the good news: Louisiana, knee-deep in water, but this time, the levees held from the big hurricane. That’s good. However, Tampa, Florida this week nearly drowned in bulls**t.” –Bill Maher

“Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women’s vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can’t marry.” –Bill Maher

“If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program.” –Bill Maher

“How can we trust Republicans with the future, when, as far as I can tell from Tampa, the world ended the year Reagan left office? Like, in 1988, we just all fell into a deep sleep listening to ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me,’ and when we woke up Monday morning, Obama and his negro army had wrecked the joint.” –Bill Maher

“This is where Clint Eastwood has done a huge favor to us all. Because the Republican Party’s irrationality, that they’ve worked so hard at the convention trying to conceal, was unleashed in a 12-minute improvised avant-garde performance of One Angry Men. Eastwood finally revealed the cognitive dissonance that is the beating heart and soul and fiction of this party! He’s so far gone, they’re hammering Obama for things Bush did, and Romney is!” –Jon Stewart

“Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party — a confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t’ exist.” –Bill Maher

“I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.” –Jon Stewart on Clint Eastwood’s “invisible Obama” speech at the Republican convention

“The Republican Convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It’s never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being over shadowed by something that technically doesn’t make a shadow.” –Conan O’Brien

“I always like how the politicians show how that they’re just regular guys. Like Obama says he likes to have a beer with people. And Romney said, when it comes to shopping, he chooses Costco. In fact, last week, he bought three of them.” –Jay Leno

“Tonight is the last night, the final night of the Republican convention. Tonight is the swimsuit competition.” –Conan O’Brien

Sorry. I couldn’t resist.

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Humor: The Borowitz Report

Poll: Race Close Among Voters with No Television

Posted by Andy Borowitz

 

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll released today shows the Presidential race extremely tight among voters who had no access to a working television for the past two weeks.

On the campaign trail, Republican nominee Mitt Romney seemed buoyed by the news, urging his audience not to watch television, read newspapers, or log on to the Internet between now and Election Day.

Mr. Romney attempted to rebut Vice-President Joe Biden’s biggest applause line from last night by telling supporters, “On Day One of my Presidency I will kill General Motors and bring Osama bin Laden back to life.”

As for President Obama’s biggest applause line, “I am the President of the United States,” Fox News said they were fact-checking it.

With the fall campaign officially begun, both Obama and Romney must now spend hundreds of hours and millions of dollars to become President of Ohio.

Only sixty days remain until the election, or in Paul Ryan’s words, “Forty days.”

Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox for free by clicking here.

Photograph by Gaia Squarci.

Naked Capitalism: Sneaking Fracking in the Back Door

Ohio Department of Natural Resources: We’ll Let the Public Know What’s Happening After You Can No Longer Object

By Dan, who lives in northeast Ohio.
Read more at here.

Lambert here: The ongoing transformation of “the heartland” into a second world petro-state has generated an increasingly intense civic engagement, as people try to “work the system” to protect their health, their land, and their water from the fracking industry and its supply chain. Here’s how civic engagement looks from the ground.

* * *

The fracking industry has dramatically increased its activity in Portage county recently. In some cases the activity is unmistakably tangible (more on that next week), but the real action at the moment seems to be preparing the ground for the deluge. The paperwork is coming in fast and furious, so much so that we are now one of the top ten counties in the state for fracking.

Those of us concerned about that have found using the tools theoretically available to us can be a daunting task. The attempt to learn more about the Soinski Wells really brought the point home. For instance, permit applications are supposed to be submitted to the largest local paper in the effected area. Instead they were published in the Portage County Legal News.

Let me tell you something about the Portage County Legal News: I cannot tell you anything about the Portage County Legal News. I have lived in Portage county all my life (minus two years) and until the Soinski Odyssey I had never heard of the Portage County Legal News. There is not even a print edition of the Portage County Legal News. The Portage County Legal News is the best kept secret in Portage county. Anyone who has lived here longer than a week could have told ODNR that the Record Courier is Portage county’s largest general circulation newspaper – with a print edition and everything.

A minor outcry ensued, and the applications went into the appropriate paper. Incidentally, this is now part of activists’ daily routine: checking the legal notices in the paper to see what latest outrage is planned. Similarly, learning how to read permits, pore over maps, check local leasing records, and so on are developing skill sets among activists. A big part of the fight involves eye glazing tedium. That’s not a complaint, just a description.

Several citizens contacted ODNR Geologist Tom Tomastik with questions. One was procedural – did the fifteen day public comment period begin on the applications date from the Portage County Legal News announcement or from their announcement in a proper outlet? But there were also questions on the details in the applications. There appeared to be some information missing in the application – there seemed to be more there on the ground than the application described. I emailed Tomastik on Sunday:

It is my understanding that there is supposed to be an informational meeting on the Portage county wells listed in the public notices below. I would like to get some clarification on this.First of all, is it true that there will be a meeting?

If so, will the meeting be held during the public comment period? That would be the most useful; having it after would be like closing the barn door after the horse left.

Will this be a public hearing, or just an informational meeting? It would be much better to have an actual public hearing.

I urge you to hold any session at a time when the most people could attend: on a weekday evening or a weekend.

On Tuesday he responded:

Below is the link to the rules regarding public notice requirements for Class II injection well applications under Section 1501: 9-3-06 (E) (c) of the Ohio Administrative Code. Please read this section. No meeting is held until after the end of the public comment period. A Public Hearing is only required when the objections are relevant to public health, or safety, or good conservation practices. The chief of this Division rules upon the validity of each objection. Since we are receiving a number of comments regarding the Soinski applications, I have agreed to hold a public meeting to do a presentation about Class II injection well applications and answer questions regarding the public’s concerns.http://www.ohiodnr.com/portals/11/oil/pdf/uic_emergency_rule_9-3-06.pdf

The “after the end of the public comment period” part really doesn’t seem good, so I responded:

I’d like some clarification on this, if possible. The greatest urgency in our community is right now – during the comment period. Being able to ask questions and (hopefully) get answers will help us to make more informed comments while the state is accepting them. The value of any additional information we learn will be greatly diminished once the comment period is over.Would you please consider meeting with our community during this very brief and crucial window?

To which he responded the next day:

We are planning on having a public meeting after all comments are received and the deadline is passed. That is how the rules are set up under the Ohio Administrative Code, 1501: 9-3-06 (E) (c).

At that point it started getting difficult to give Mr. Tomastik the benefit of the doubt; his reply was completely unresponsive. I decided to give it one last try though:

Yes, I was clear on the rules and your intentions. My request was this: that you hold the public meeting during the comment period so citizens can make the most informed comments possible.As far as I know you are not legally enjoined from doing this, and it would be of much greater value to the community. As I wrote before, having the meeting after the comment period smacks of closing the barn door after the horse is gone. We need to be able to ask questions now – during the comment period.

And that’s where we stand at the moment: going back and forth via email while the comment period moves to a close. This is your democracy on fracking, kids.