Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

July 13, 2012 By mario piperni

The best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.

Happy Friday.

“Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don’t know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney isn’t very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s now a big controversy after a liberal group made a video saying Mitt Romney is too white for black people. Too white for black people? Mitt is too white for white people.” –Jay Leno

“An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they’ll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren’t doing stuff, huh?” –David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn’t know where his financial records are because he doesn’t manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he’s the perfect guy to fix the economy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is telling Americans not to ‘read too much’ into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at ‘don’t read too much.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else’s marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney’s campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, ‘Mitt, how did you get so much money?” He said, “You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.’” –David Letterman

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Humor: The Borowitz Report

A Note from Mitt Romney’s Doctor

About His Memory Loss

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney today released this doctor’s note from his longtime physician, Dr. Hamilton Tennace.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been Willard Mitt Romney’s personal physician for the past thirty-two years.  In that capacity, I believe I am uniquely qualified to address the issue of whether Mr. Romney left his post at Bain Capital in 1999, as he has said he did, or in 2002, as actual facts seem to suggest.

I treated Mr. Romney throughout his tenure at Bain.  During those years, I found him to be healthy, fit, and tan, but not dangerously so.  From a health standpoint, those years were uneventful for Mr. Romney, with one notable exception.

In 1999 I received an urgent call from Bain headquarters indicating that Mr. Romney had suffered a serious accident.  Once I arrived on the scene, I learned that Mr. Romney had participated in a “going away party” to celebrate the end of his tenure at Bain and that he had been hit in the forehead with an exploding champagne cork.  After he spent several days in the hospital for observation, it became clear to me that Mr. Romney was suffering from symptoms consistent with head trauma, including severe memory loss.  For example, he could not remember several key episodes from his youth, including the time he pinned a gay student to the ground and cut off his hair.

After I advised his partners at Bain that Mr. Romney’s recovery from this head trauma could be difficult and prolonged, they decided to keep him on as chief executive at Bain so that he could benefit from the company’s health coverage.  It was decided that he would take a leave of absence from his duties at Bain to do something less demanding, and so he signed on to run the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics.

When his duties at the Olympics were complete, Mr. Romney submitted to a full physical at the request of his partners to Bain to see if he was finally ready to make his much-delayed exit from the firm.  He passed most of the cognitive tests with flying colors; he could remember the name of his wife and all of his sons, which in his case was an impressive feat.  Only one question made him stumble.  When I asked him what year it was, instead of 2002 he replied, “1999.”

To be candid, I did not think much of his error at the time, although I now see it as a symptom of the chronic memory loss that persisted once he became Governor of Massachusetts.  For example, after examining Gov. Romney just after his greatest legislative achievement, Massachusetts’ healthcare law, he had no memory of having any role in it.  In subsequent appointments, Mr. Romney has been unable to remember other facts one might deem important, such as where he put all his money and what file drawer contains his tax returns.

In closing, it is my medical opinion that Mr. Romney’s forgetfulness about when he departed Bain, as well as his vagueness on any number of other subjects, stem from that original head injury he suffered in 1999.  Having said that, I do not believe that Mr. Romney’s bouts of amnesia should in any way prevent him from having a full, active public life.  In running for the Presidency, they may even be an advantage.

Sincerely,

Dr. Hamilton Tennace, M.D.

Capitalism as a Religion

via The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Bloomberg’s Businessweek has a fascinating story on how the LDS Church runs various large for-profit businesses — a shopping mall was one of its recent spiritual landmarks. What it helps reveal is something that has continually struck me as I have read more and discovered more about Mormonism: it really is a religion of business for businessmen. Unlike mainstream Christianity, Mormonism sees no conflict between God and Mammon, between the spiritual and the temporal. Making pots of money is part of God’s plan. Joseph Smith, a grifter businessman himself, proclaimed conveeeniently that “Verily I say unto you, that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal.” By which he meant that there was spiritual glory in capitalism itself — a heresy clearly at odds with almost everything Jesus himself said and taught.

The business starts with mandatory 10 percent tithing if you want access to Temples. All that money — estimated at an annual $8 billion — goes directly to Salt Lake City to a group of powerful businessmen who are the people who run the Church. There is no transparency. Mormons are sometimes charged to go make money for the church in various enterprises (my favorite is a Hawaiian theme-park that pays no taxes because it is related to church activities and yet brings in $60 million a year). Some are even recruited to volunteer services for for-profit enterprises. And the notion of charity is a very Mormon one:

A study co-written by Cragun and recently published in Free Inquiry estimates that the Mormon Church donates only about 0.7 percent of its annual income to charity; the United Methodist Church gives about 29 percent.

If you want someone to dismantle the welfare state, Romney’s your man. But many Mormons are troubled by the lack of transparency and the priorities of their businesslike leadership:

Micah Nickolaisen, a 29-year-old photographer and devout Mormon, worries that the church gives too little money to humanitarian causes, even though its leaders like to boast about Mormon welfare programs. “They spent more money on a mall in three years than they did in 25 on humanitarian aid,” says Nickolaisen. These Mormons spoke on the record despite fear of repercussions from family, friends, and church authorities.

Bain Capital under Romney was part of this commercial web:

Mitt Romney and others at Bain Capital, the private equity firm he co-founded in 1984, gave the Mormon Church millions’ worth of stock holdings obtained through Bain deals, according to Reuters. Between 1997 and 2009, these included $2 million in Burger King (BKW) and $1 million in Domino’s Pizza (DPZ) shares. Under U.S. law, churches can legally turn around and sell donated stock without paying capital-gains taxes, a clear advantage for both donor and receiver.

If you were to construct a religion as a business, it would be hard to beat the LDS Church. From its mandatory tithing for access to sacred Temples to its spiritual blessing on business and wealth accumulation and its tax-friendly admixture of for-profit and not-for-profit enterprises, it is the Prosperity Gospel with better accountants. And that makes it the quintessential religion for America — giving the New World a place in the Gospels, bringing the Garden of Eden to Missouri, and providing a divine blessing for American free enterprise. All it needs is a president of the United States to broaden its appeal in a fusion of faith and country. It’s been trying since Joseph Smith ran for the highest office in the land — not a typical path for a “spiritual” leader. Now, as the unofficial religion of American capitalism in its least regulated and most rapacious form, it has its chance.

Think of running Bain Capital as spiritual enlightenment, and you begin to get the idea.