Humor: The Borowitz Report

Greece No Longer a Nation; Announces Plan to Become Social Network

IPO Imminent for FetaBook

ATHENS (The Borowitz Report) – After struggling for months with an intractable financial crisis, Greece announced today that it would cease to exist as a sovereign nation and would instead reboot itself as a social network.

The new entity, FetaBook, is expected to raise much-needed billions in an upcoming IPO.

The social network formerly known as Greece announced that it would cancel its upcoming elections and instead install a CEO, a 24-year-old hacker from suburban Athens named Ciro Mavromatidis.

Speaking from the newly opened offices of FetaBook, Mr. Mavromatidis explained how the social network would be attractive to the investment community in ways that Greece was not.

“We’re keeping all the aspects of Greece that made it a cool brand – the ruins, the Olympics, the olives,” he said.  “We’re just losing the things that were a drag on the Greek economy: namely, the Greeks.”

He said under the new plan, all Greeks would cease to be citizens of Greece and would instead become friends of FetaBook: “They won’t receive any government benefits anymore, but they’ll be able to grow all the imaginary food they want.”

Mr. Mavromatidis said that by converting from a nation to a social network, FetaBook will enjoy other cost savings as well.

“We Greeks waste billions of dollars a year smashing plates after meals,” he said.  “Now that’s going to be done by an app.”

Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

May 18, 2012 By mario piperni

Happy Friday.

The best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.

“Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn’t even support same-sex car pools.” –David Letterman

“The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan.” –Bill Maher

“Ron Paul has announced he’s no longer campaigning. He’s dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?” –David Letterman

“Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.’” –Conan O’Brien

“I just read about a new 24-hour day care that’s opening in India. Yeah, it’s pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.” –Jay Leno

“JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.” –David Letterman

“President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.” –David Letterman

“President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution.” –Bill Maher

“This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat.” –Seth Meyers

“Bristol Palin accused Obama of pandering to teenagers who watch one too many episodes of ‘Glee.’ Says the girl who got knocked up after watching one too many episodes of ‘Teen Mom.’” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of my relatives in Utah, my dad who was born in Mexico, my great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that I’m a strict conservative on the subject.” –Bill Maher

“When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt’s tastes. And today Mitt’s dog said, ‘I thought I had it bad.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery I can’t believe Sean Hannity didn’t think of it first. It should win a reverse Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a shitty book called ‘Scum: How Liberals Something, Something, Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kickass, Jesus.’” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama’s support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time.” –Seth Meyers

“This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn’t know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor.” –Jay Leno

“North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What’s going on?” –David Letterman