Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

March 23, 2012 By mario piperni

Happy Friday. The best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.

“Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That’s one of the few thriving industries America has left.” –David Letterman

“Here’s what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It’s just part of their tradition.” –David Letterman

“This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he’s sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“First Santorum is against the gays, then contraception, now porn. This guy is more backed up than the 405.” –Bill Maher

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend… This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.” –Bill Maher

“Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’” –Bill Maher

“Today is Ann and Mitt Romney’s 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes.” –Conan O’Brien

“More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don’t want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone’s native land and tell them they’re speaking the wrong language.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Army is pulling out of Rush. Meanwhile, they’re staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women’s issues.” –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh’s radio show

“This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.” –Stephen Colbert

LUV News on Stand Your Ground, Castro

BILLIONAIRES BEHIND STAND YOUR GROUND LAWS

John Nichols has a piece this morning pointing out many important facts in the tragic Trayvon Martin death overlooked in the massive coverage by the mass media — that the law protecting the alleged shooter is being pushed by billionaires funding the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC).

This law was pushed by Florida ALEC members into legislative approval, before being signed by then Governor Jeb Bush, after he was warned that such a law would result in the death of innocents like Trayvon Martin. Bush is mentioned by many political analysts as a likely Republican candidate for president this year should Republicans opt for a brokered convention to determine their candidate.

Unfortunately America’s billionaires such as the Koch brothers generally believe they are not only more intelligent than us mere peasants, but experts on everything, hence their manipulations of laws in a system which makes them and their corporations more powerful than millions of citizens in our plutocratic oligarchy, with enough influence to rent our elections and control a mass media which still doesn’t understand what the Occupy Movement is all about.

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CASTRO BLASTS US FOREIGN POLICY

Fidel Castro has a piece out this morning, highly critical of US foreign policy best summarized as “Do what we say or we will drop bombs on your country.” Do we have any other foreign policy? For some time we’ve tried to link to Castro’s better columns, as this famous twentieth century revolutionary appears to be in his last days.

When traveling abroad, I have been reminded by people from all over the world that Americans are the most brainwashed people on earth. The system couldn’t work without information control — citizens would be on to the fact that people in other industrialized nations have health care, good health care, and it is considered there to be a right. It would be thought in other major industrialized nations to be barbaric to have children go hungry, and people living in the streets eating out of garbage cans, as happens here in the Land of the Free.

The savagery becomes most evident in the criminal justice system, where people are locked up generally according to financial worth, the largest prison system on earth, existing to make American capitalism function on behalf of the super rich by keeping a large army of unemployed so desperate that they sell an ounce of pot in order to feed their kids. The biggest criminals, such as the banksters who recently destroyed our economy, are allowed to run loose in the streets, causing mayhem at will.

A challenge to any of this may result in a busted head, tear gas, jail — whatever it takes to maintain the status quo. People here are so brainwashed that many believe they have rights to free speech, freedom of assembly — granted in the Constitution, but any old leftist activist can tell you this is a lie, intended to placate fools.  —Jack