Late Night Political Humor
Happy Friday. The best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.
“Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you’re not an outsider. You’re just unpopular.” –Jay Leno
“Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty.” –Jay Leno
“It’s National Pancake Week. Of course Mitt Romney was in a debate tonight, so it’s also National Waffle Week.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Today is Ash Wednesday, and all over the country people are giving things up for Lent. In my opinion, Rick Santorum should give up chocolate while Newt Gingrich should give up, stop — that’s it, he should just give up.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran’s nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail.” –Conan O’Brien
“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I’m all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum’s running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he’ll defend that position to the edge of the earth. “If I have to fall off…” –Jay Leno
“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum released his tax returns this week, and under withholding he wrote oral sex.” –Bill Maher
“Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.” –Bill Maher
“Santorum says that if he’s elected, he’s going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.” –Jay Leno
“This guy Santorum is very conservative. He is so conservative that he won’t masturbate because it involves sex with a guy.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative that after his last colonoscopy he went to confession. That’s how bad.” –Jay Leno
“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they’re so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman
“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they’re the group that’s most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien
I have no idea why I find stuff like this next one funny, but I do.
David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions on the Application to Become a Mitt Romney Look-Alike”
10. Do you look like Mitt Romney?
9. Does Mitt Romney look like you?
8. True or False: You look like Mitt Romney
7. Do you not look like someone who doesn’t look like Mitt Romney?
6. If you wore a sombrero, would you look like Mitt Romney wearing a sombrero?
5. What do you feel is your main qualification, other than a strong resemblance to Mitt Romney?
4. During sex, does your wife ever yell out “Mitt Romney!”?
3. Do you know any fat, doughy guys who look like Newt Gingrich?
2. Can you smile while driving with a dog strapped to the roof of your car?
1. Do you mind being unemployed after November?
“China’s vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn’t speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno