Mario Piperni’s Illustrated Late-Night Humor

Late Night Political Humor

February 10, 2012 By mario piperni

My picks from Political Humor.

“Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.” –David Letterman

“It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.” –Jay Leno

“Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said ‘$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.’” –Conan O’Brien

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“One of the most talked about commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” –Bill Maher

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore…but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” –Bill Maher

“Pfizer recalled a million birth control pills. Nothing wrong with them, except they won’t stop you from getting pregnant. Or as the Palin family calls them, Skittles.” –Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” –Seth Meyers

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno

LUV on Occupy Violence

We didn’t run Chris Hedges’ article earlier this week, although it was all over the internet in discussion groups and probably the most controversial column in both the Occupy Movement and mainstream progressive circles. With that level of saturation we didn’t feel it necessary to copy it to our limited space.

But make no mistake, ten months ago, when we were in early discussions about the Occupy Movement at LUV News and asked for our opinion, we didn’t bring up nonviolence. We saw no need to — everybody in the leadership pushed nonviolence, and we wouldn’t have committed to Occupy if the leadership had not embraced nonviolence. Nonviolence is the tactic the ruling Forces of Greed most fear, next to an outbreak of democracy itself, because they have no weapon against it.

There are forces attempting to destroy the Occupy Movement now, and they include those pushing violence (video by Anonymous). We have no evidence that they are FBI but we are suspicious, from past experience (going back many decades). We suspect that the movement has been infiltrated, all of the major Occupy groups and internet social groups. You will recognize these people by the way they push violence and use pejoratives against those opposed to violence, like Hedges. They are also trying to drive wedges between people within the movement, a traditional FBI tactic.

When we see people wearing masks breaking windows and starting fires, we can’t prove they are FBI, we can’t see their faces, but everybody in the movement is tainted by what they do. At LUV News we said early in the Occupy Movement we are not marching with people wearing masks, we assume they are wearing masks either because they are FBI or because they intend to discredit the movement with lawbreaking which will destroy the movement.

During the week we have been reading nasty attacks on Hedges all over the internet, in articles and social groups. Chris signed on for the Occupy Movement last May when we did, months before there was an Occupy Wall Street, and we felt then that this movement would be nonviolent all the way. The ruling Forces of Greed would love nothing more than for Occupy Groups to start destroying property and fighting with police, so they could tell the masses through the controlled mass media that Occupy is a terrorist group, but they have taken care of the problem by gunning us terrorists down and ending in a matter of minutes what took months of hard work to build.

We are building a movement, person by person, still far short of the kind of mass necessary to bring about needed change against an Empire run by psychopaths who will do anything to stop us. The American people are not going to join a movement which appears to embrace violence. We must close ranks on this or we are destroyed, as many of those pushing violence intend.  —Jack

Colbert Bait

by Chris Bodenner

There appears to be a spate of satirical stunts by Democratic lawmakers recently. This one is right out of Monty Python:

Oklahoma legislators introduced a bill yesterday that says “the life of each human being begins at conception.”  But state Sen. Constance Johnson, a Democrat, decided that the bill, SB 1433, didn’t go far enough to protect unborn children. Johnson added an amendment to the bill, posted online by The Lost Ogle, that says life actually begins at ejaculation:  “However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

From Virginia:

Irked by abortion bill, Va. senator adds rectal exams for men

The state Senate this afternoon gave preliminary approval for legislation that would require pregnant women to undergo ultrasound imaging before an abortion, but not before rejecting a Democratic senator’s attempt to add what she described as “a little gender equity” to the bill. Democrat Janet Howell of Fairfax County proposed requiring men to undergo a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before getting prescriptions for erectile dysfunction drugs such as Viagra. “This is a matter of basic fairness,” Howell said…. “It’s requiring [women] to have unnecessary medical procedures, it’s adding to the cost and it’s opening them up for emotional blackmail,” she said on the Senate floor today.

And now Mississippi:

Mississippi State Rep. Steve Holland, a Democrat, introduced a bill in the state’s lower chamber calling for the part of the Gulf of Mexico that borders his state to be renamed the “Gulf of America.” A local Latino GOP organization called on Holland to withdraw the measure. “If this bill passes the legislature and is signed into law, perhaps it is time to rename the Mississippi River,” wrote Bob Quasius, Café Con Leche’s president, in the letter. “After all, sharing a name with a state that wants to rewrite maps out of disdain for Mexicans would be a disgrace to the rest of the nation.”

Palast on the Power Brokers

The Billionaires’ Brokered GOP Convention

by: Greg Palast, Truthout | Op-Ed
Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Plan is working.

Mitt Romney’s biggest backer didn’t want him to win.

We know that Paul “The Vulture” Singer, Romney’s Daddy Warbucks, organized the “grassroots” campaign to replace Romney with Gov. Chris Christie back in September.

That flopped, so Singer and the billionaire boys’ club that courted Christie moved over to Romney. Not that they had a choice. They knew Moonrocks Gingrich, who thinks he’s running for Master Jedi, and Saint Santorum who thinks he’s running for pope, would end up road kill in November.

But despite their million-dollar checks for Romney’s campaign, the billionaires are handling the ex-governor with very long and slippery tweezers. The fact that Singer and the Koch brothers went on bended knee to Christie means they are just nauseated over Romney, a man losing a war with the English language and his own tax returns, carrying their standard against President Obama.

These billionaires are smart men. Devious men. I’ve followed them for years, and they do nothing in a straight line. The super PAC that Singer and the gang control, Restore Our Future, is supposed to be for Romney. But it’s not; it’s for Singer and Bill Koch. The future they want to restore is their own, not yours or mine – or Romney’s.

Now, if your ultimate goal is to beat Obama and you need Christie to do it, you want the GOP race to end in a brokered convention. Then, the billionaires become the brokers. In the best of all worlds for these super PAC men, no candidate gets the 1,144 delegates needed to win. Restore Our Future can then restore the nomination to Christie (or, say, Sen. Marco Rubio, or both), someone who can win.

So, think about it. The Singer-Koch super PAC has access to more money than Fort Knox. It has raised over $30 million and has left as much as half sitting unspent. Yet, they didn’t bother to run major ads in cheap media markets like Grand Junction, letting Romney go down in Colorado by less than 4,000 votes.

For a few bucks, they could have sealed it for Governor Romney this week. But they chose not to. Why?

By moving money in and out of selected primaries like a piston, Restore Our Future can shoo Santorum and Gingrich away from the nomination – and, with a bit of luck, the Romney campaign ends up in Tampa dead on arrival.

Then the Vulture and the Richie Rich Club can gnaw at Romney’s political corpse and regurgitate the nomination for the cat’s paw of their choice.