The Borowitz Report

A Letter from Kim Jong-un

To the People of Iowa

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report) – The following is a letter from Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, to the people of Iowa.

Dear Voters of Iowa:

In December I became Supreme Leader of North Korea. Pretty amazing development for a twentysomething who at the time was still living at home and spending all day playing Angry Birds. But there I was, receiving the cheers of millions of North Koreans, who usually don’t get that excited unless they’ve caught sight of a pork sandwich.  (LOL)

Here is why I am writing to you today: on Tuesday, you will go to your caucuses and choose from among a field of Republican presidential candidates. And let me tell you, the idea of any of these people getting nuclear weapons scares the shit out of me.

This is just one of many differences between your country and mine. In North Korea, we lock up the criminally insane. In America, you let them debate on TV. Right now you have people running for President I would not trust to take care of my plants.

So who do I recommend you vote for on Tuesday? In a word, me.

If you think about it, I am the most Republican candidate of all. In North Korea, we have no taxes. We have achieved that through a conservative policy of no jobs. Also, we have no wasteful “big government” programs providing food, shelter, or safe drinking water. And am I pro-life? Well, try this on for size: I believe that life begins at conception and ends at starvation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I’m too young to be President, since I’m under 35. Well, who would you rather have running your country, someone who’s under 35, or someone whose IQ is under 35?  (LOL)

I think when you look at all the facts, voters of Iowa, you’ll realize that Kim Jong-un is the Republican who most deserves your vote. And if you’re still not convinced, remember this: at least I’m not Mitt Romney.

Peace out yo,

Your Supreme Leader

Mario Piperni on Today’s Conservative

Barry Goldwater’s Warning About Conservatives Without Conscience

January 2, 2012 By mario piperni

Yes, Virginia, there was a time when a degree of sanity did exist within the ranks of the Republican party, a time when sanity had not yet been overrun by delusion and madness…

“Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republican] party and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can’t and won’t compromise. I know, I’ve tried to deal with them.”

~ Barry Goldwater, November 1994, as quoted in John Dean, Conservatives Without Conscience (2006)

And now the religious right has been joined by the Tea Party crowd whose understanding of compromise and its crucial role in a functioning democracy is as deficient and dangerous as that of the Pat Robertsons of the party. I would go as far as to suggest that the Teapublicans in Congress pose a greater threat to the welfare of Americans than the combined efforts of every terrorist group in the world. The first requirement in dealing with danger is recognizing its presence and no one has a problem understanding that terrorists pose a threat. Not so with recognizing the danger presented by the slew of Tea Partiers in Congress where only a handful of conservatives have come to realize the destructive role these people play in making Congress an even more dysfunctional body. As well-meaning as some within the Tea Party may be, their dogmatic and intolerant attitude to compromise and understanding (as that of the religious right), only aids in weakening the political system.

Incidentally, I just finished reading Dean’s Conservatives Without Conscience over the holidays. It’s a good read if you’re at all interested in the evolution of the conservative movement and learning how the Republican party turned into the authoritarian entity it is today. Dean’s culprits are the religious right and the neoconservative wing of the party which have moved the GOP so far to the right that he believes the core principles of conservatism have been trampled upon and left unrecognizable – so far to the right has it shifted, says Dean, that he, a Goldwater conservative who has not altered his basic conservative beliefs, now finds himself stranded at the left of center.