The Borowitz Report

Fox News Names Pepper Spray Person of the Year

First Food Product to Snag Top Honors

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The Fox News Channel made history to today my naming “pepper spray” its Person of the Year for 2011.

Fox anchor Megyn Kelly noted the historic nature of the nod, indicating that pepper spray was “the first food product, essentially” to receive such prestigious recognition.

“From Tahrir Square to lower Manhattan to UC Davis to Walmart, brave little pepper spray was there,” Ms. Kelly said, adding, “I’m tearing up a little right now, which I guess is the effect that pepper spray has on people.”

“It truly is ‘the little crowd control weapon that could,’” she added.

News of the award stoked speculation that pepper spray might soon be given its own nightly show on Fox.

According to one network source, one format being considered would involve a canister of pepper spray interviewing members of the so-called “Occupy” movement, and then spraying them in the face.

Mario Piperni on the Monkey’s Butt

The Gingrich Monkey Climb

December 13, 2011 By mario piperni

Gingrich is a goldmine for people like me.  There is nothing like a bloviating clown in a suit to inspire the creative soul. So for as long as Newt is still a contender, I’m helpless to do much else than mock him as best I can.  Here’s the full David Axelrod quote.

“I told my colleagues yesterday a bit of homespun wisdom that I got from an alderman in Chicago some years ago when one of his …colleagues wanted to run for higher office and he was really dubious. He said, ‘just remember the higher a monkey climbs on a pole, the more you can see his butt.’ So, you know, the Speaker is very high on the pole right now and we’ll see how people like the view.”