The Borowitz Report

Palin Decides Not to Run: ‘I Want to Go Straight to the Quitting Part’

Decision Leaves Moron Vote Up for Grabs

ANCHORAGE (The Borowitz Report) – Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin told reporters today that she would not run for President because “I want to go straight to the quitting part.”

“If I launched a campaign, let’s face it, a couple of months from now I’d up and quit,” she said.  “This is a real step-saver for all concerned.”

She said that prior to her decision she had seriously considered running, “but only for the free clothes.”

When asked about her future plans, she said, “Although I’m not running for President, I have no intention of spending more time with my family.”

The former Alaska Governor, who had originally scheduled a thirty-minute press conference to announce her decision, abruptly cut it short after fifteen minutes with no explanation.

The Tea Party favorite’s announcement leaves the remaining Republican candidates scrambling for the moron vote, a key constituency in the 2012 GOP race.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was said to be considering new strategies to dispel the nagging impression that he is mentally competent, an attribute that has alienated millions of Tea Party voters.

Mr. Romney was rumored to be weighing a number of options, such as barking like a dog or wearing a bunch of bananas on his head at the next televised debate.

Meanwhile, still reeling from charges of racism, Texas Governor Rick Perry was reportedly huddling with advisors at his country home, Jewtrap.

Mario Piperni Does Sarah Palin

Awww…there won’t be a President Palin next year

October 5, 2011 By mario piperni

Possibly, the biggest media whore and grifter in U.S. political history has made it official.

After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.

No surprise there. Palin was never going to run and take a $10 million cut in earnings. That stuff about God, family and country – pure Palin bullshit, of course. Aside from the money factor, her handlers must have made it clear to her that she didn’t have a chance in hell of winning the nomination, let alone ever beating President Obama in a general election.

The only ones who still believed Palin might run were her rabid fans. What is it with those people anyway? Their naivety/stupidity is astonishing. Palin’s been milking these saps for a couple of years through her PAC and they still don’t get it. She’s been dangling a presidential run over her lunatic fans in much the way that a mother dazzles her tiny baby by holding up a shiny object in front of their face. Over on her Facebook fan page, the idiots are slashing their wrists and shedding real tears as they agonize over Palin’s decision. It’s a scream.

I am heartbroken. I do not believe anyone I’ve seen in this race so far has what it takes to be our next great president. And we NEED a great to break us out of this depression spiral. I have backed you, sent you money, prayed for you. I have Sarah Palin stickers all over our car. I believe this is the decision that will break America. You MUST reverse this decision. I pray GOD convince you.

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I”m so sad, but I support her decision and will pray for her and her family. She has been through so much already like no one else in this country. We knew the fight would be extremely vicious but we knew that if anyone could handle it, Sarah could. I believe she is doing what she feels is best for the country at this time.

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A dark day for us all

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i think Sarah just delivery Obama’s second Term, on my opinion she’s the only one could beat him, not only with her solid sensable policies but have the grits to take on a sordid-dictator.

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huge mistake….. you are the only one that can beat Obama…. It’s a sad sad sad day… you were my last hope America’s last hope and small businesses last hope

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Devastating! I trust and respect your decision, dearest Governor Sarah Palin, but I am beyond heartbroken. You are the strongest woman imaginable. There’s not a candidate I can get behind and I’m lost like millions of others who were waiting and praying for you. God bless and keep you and your precious family. The process will now have to play out and you will still lead the way! I’ll try very hard to keep the faith.

Nutty stuff and the crap goes on for pages. Every now and then, one of these pops up.

Will you give back all the money you’ve been taking while stringing along your supporters? I didn’t think so. What a grifter.

Give back the money? Of course not. Palin’s going to dish out a few dollars to whomever she backs in the primary along with money for a few of her favorite conservatives running for office across the country. But most of the money, I suspect, will be kept in her coffers as she prepares for her ‘I might run in 2016‘ campaign.

And when does that shtick begin?  It already has.